Mire Formation Conseil inc. / Bereavement / caring relationship / Wait for him to ask the questions?

Wait for him to ask the questions?

Jan 15, 2018
By Mireille Guillemette
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I've often heard that it's best to wait for the child or teenager to ask questions about death and bereavement. Without questioning the authors, I've always been convinced that it's not appropriate for all children to wait until they ask us.

My first bereavement was at the age of 3. Dramatic deaths during a fire. I still remember certain images, the coffins and the tombstones. I then experienced a significant bereavement at the age of 13.

I never asked anyone any questions, but I was going through a storm of very changeable emotions. I never showed that I was affected by the death. Was I so different from the others that I didn't want to talk about it, even though I was surrounded by a close-knit family? Well, no, pre-teens generally won't talk about their distress or fears about death. And the child won't explain to the parent the grief he or she is experiencing.

Talking about death in everyday life

There are over 269,000 deaths per year in Canada. In Quebec, that's more than 180 deaths a day. Of these deaths in the province of Quebec, 9 are under the age of 49, including 2 children under the age of 10.

If you know a young person who is or has been bereaved, it's also your duty to help support them. There's an African proverb: "It takes a village to raise a child". When it comes to bereavement, in our North American culture, we could apply the following principle: it takes a family, a community, a society to accompany a young person experiencing bereavement and to break the taboo surrounding death.

How do you talk about it?

The child's age is important, our language must be adapted of course, but these 5 concepts must be explained.

Death is irreversible (he's dead forever and will never come back)
It is an absolute end (cessation of body functions, vital functions).
There is a physical cause (not provoked by bickering or thoughts)
It is inevitable for all living beings
It's part of a biological cycle (it's not just the bad guys or the weakest who die).

Grief teaches us that death exists, that it's part of life, that it can happen at any moment. It's a harsh reality that leaves an invisible mark. The life of the child or adult who experiences the death of a loved one will never be the same again. But life can continue to be beautiful.

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Mireille Guillemette B.Ed.N. and President of Mire Formation Conseil inc.

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Resources and publications
Youth mourning: http://www.deuil-jeunesse.com/accueil

http://www.coupdepouce.com/mamans/6-12-ans/article/comment-parler-de-la-mort-avec-son-enfant
An excellent text by Josée Masson: https://rubanrose.org/renseignements-pratiques/diagnostic-enfants
Book: Mort, mais pas dans mon coeur, Josée Masson, Logiques, 2010.

To order : adpcommandes@messageries-adp.com or in electronic version on archambault.ca .

Video : How to talk to children about death https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCs2b_ZdKBs

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