"A person who realizes how fragile life is, will also usually know how precious it is."

Excerpt from Dead, but not in my heartGuider le jeune en deuil, by Josée Masson.

How to announce the death of a loved one to a child or teenager: make the announcement in a place where they can react (not in a room full of people). Tell them all in a simple, straightforward manner. Check what he's understood and the emotions he's experiencing. Finally, specify true cause of death. (It will always be less gruesome than he imagines). Even in the case of suicide or homicide, tell him and specify the means used (rope, knife, weapon, medication).

The intensity of grief does not depend on the type of death (traumatic or more tragic). There are, however, particular bereavements such as disappearance, suicide or multiple bereavements in a tragedy such as an accident, which are likely to complicate or lengthen the grieving process. The way in which the person died is an important factor, shaping questions, reactions and new perceptions of life. So it's vital that it's not taboo and that the child knows.

With illness and a clear prognosis, death can be prepared for. When a serious illness is announced, young people should be told everything: the name of the illness, what it is, and how it is progressing. Agree with them that you will keep them informed of good or bad news. Living through illness together means talking to him about your emotions, reassuring him, finding time to be with him, giving him opportunities and the possibility of accompanying the sick person, and talking about death when the illness worsens. Living through illness and death together will help you to grieve together.

Sudden death: explain to him what has happened to his body. Repeat it often and reassure him that it won't happen to them. There's a lot of "ifs" and guilt. We often look for someone to blame. Young people often identify themselves as guilty.

Suicide: repeat that the person has chosen to die, that it's difficult to understand, it's never their fault, it's never acceptable and shouldn't be an option, they're in no way responsible. "Suicide is born of an intention, sometimes following depression or a mental disorder, making it clear that not all depressed people commit suicide." Young children have the magical notion that healing or death can be provoked by a thought. Especially between the ages of 4 and 7, they tend to believe that everything revolves around them. They believe they have the power to bring about events simply by thinking about them. Re-explain the concept of death (see September 2017 newsletter).

Mireille Guillemette B.Ed.N. and President of Mire Formation Conseil inc.

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Resources and publications

Youth mourning: http://www.deuil-jeunesse.com/accueil

http://www.coupdepouce.com/mamans/6-12-ans/article/comment-parler-de-la-mort-avec-son-enfant

An excellent text by Josée Masson: https://rubanrose.org/renseignements-pratiques/diagnostic-enfants

Book: Mort, mais pas dans mon coeur, Josée Masson, Logiques, 2010.
To order : adpcommandes@messageries-adp.com or in electronic version on archambault.ca .

Video : How to talk to children about death https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCs2b_ZdKBs